Let’s face it, RACISM, SEXISM , etc., are things that exist and that I’ve experienced way too much. Partly explains why I’m currently in women’s studies and have been reading, living, raging about the subject since I was 13. It’s now been ten years.
Sometimes I feel like many activists are part of a big circle, while I want to be a straight line. I experience crap and moved on, get MOTHER FUCKING pissed yet construct upon it. Try to make it in my life and succeed (however I define success) without being in a circle where I feel my children would have to live in a messed up world and so on.
I see, and more than ever, SEEK beauty in my life. I’ve become extremely more selfish to keep my sanity while still being an activist.
I’m I fooling myself? HELL YEAH! Do I feel my approach is true happiness? Fuck no. But this is the only way I can pursue the present without dwelling over the past and crying about the future.
The best example was me going to Israel. I’m Muslim, black and female the triple treat. Yet anywhere I felt would go against my morals or where I was told I would face racism or other -ism… or simply plainly told not to go to. I fucking went. I did it. I know I’ve advanced my vision of black feminism further than ever.How? By being in their faces where they did not want me to be. They saw me, hated or sometimes adored me.The thing is, I’m sure they will never forget me.
Don’t get me wrong. I never tried to please them. In fact, I asked a member of the Knesset why she was participating in something many considered to be an apartheid state. Just to see how she would react and of course get her response. She gave me the warmest and most detailed answer. I disagreed but the mutual respect was there. It’s sad they don’t respect you at first sight, but I’m dealing with it. I’m pretty sure next time she sees a black woman she will think twice.
Anger is so tempting especially when deliberately provoked. But know that the person deliberately provoking you knows and seeks to get anger or indifference and furthermore negative shit from or out of you. Haters are NOT all idiots. Wherever I was, in front of some Mexican military officer trying to degrade me or a member of the Israeli parliament. My smile backed with a ton of knowledge only lead to admiration and respect. Anger was what they wanted out of me and I stood there telling them they would not get it from me. The frustration or amazement in their faces was worth the pain, because I know and they know they cannot break me.
With anger it’s more me trying to prove how I could break them. The truth is.. I’m not that strong. I hold my ground, let them know I will not be broken and focus on myself because it’s the only thing I control.
So here I am, not the most provocative or loud activist. I want to be happy. Knowing and fighting too much makes you forget about yourself and I realized I’m not that heroic.
